I don’t know what I was expecting, walking back into my ex’s house after a week in Spain.
Maybe a slightly tired but intact father, a few extra dishes in the sink, a couple of toys strewn about. You know—manageable chaos. What I did not expect was to find a crime scene.
Okay, fine. Not a literal crime scene. But judging by the state of the living room, a small herd of wild animals had definitely staged a violent coup. My three children—Jack (7), Lily (5), and Max (2)—were somehow both ecstatic to see me and absolutely feral. The kitchen was a disaster zone. The sink overflowed with dishes, the fridge had that slightly off smell, and my ex looked like he had aged a decade.
I swear, I was gone for one week.
It had been a glorious week, though. Spain wasn’t just a random getaway. I had a mission: learn Spanish. Not just for the fun of it (though, turns out, I kind of love it), but because Ryan—my very lovely, very bilingual boyfriend—grew up speaking Spanish. His mum is from Spain, his parents just moved to Barcelona.
L
et’s just say I may be going slightly overboard in trying to impress them.
I spent my time soaking in the language, getting lost in Barcelona’s winding streets, and eating so much jamón that I’m probably 40% cured meat at this point. And I have to admit, I let myself dream a little. Maybe next time I’d do a fancy wine-tasting tour in Priorat like this one I found, sip expensive reds on a hillside vineyard, discuss the nuances of terroir like a real adult.
And then I came home.
Back to reality. Back to the overwhelming weight of single parenthood. Back to an ex who was barely hanging on after a week alone with the kids. And back to the realization that if I ever want to go to Spain again, I need to seriously rethink how we co-parent.
I started looking into how other divorced parents handle this whole custody thing.
Because right now? Our arrangement is more “winging it” than “well-oiled machine.” Technically, we have joint custody, which means we share the kids’ time. But the way that time is split up? That’s where it gets messy.
Here’s what I found out:
- The most common setup in the U.S. is the classic “mom during the week, dad on weekends” arrangement. It’s predictable, easy for the kids to adjust to, and gives both parents a defined role. But the downside? One parent (usually the mum) ends up doing the school lunches, the homework battles, the doctor’s appointments—all the work of parenting—while the other gets fun weekend time. Sound familiar?
- Some parents do an alternating schedule, like the 2-2-3 method (two days with one parent, two with the other, then three-day weekends that rotate). It keeps things more balanced, but I can already imagine the logistical nightmare of swapping car seats and remembering who needs to bring which school project to whose house.
- Then there’s the “bird’s nest” idea, where the kids stay in one house and the parents take turns living there. Sounds great for the kids! Sounds like a horror show for me! The idea of rotating in and out of my old home like a timeshare? Absolutely not.
- Some parents (like us, currently) try to do everything without a court order. This can work well if both parents are cooperative. But it also means there’s no official structure in place—so when one parent (hi, me) wants to take a break, the other parent (hi, my ex) can struggle to step up. And that’s exactly what happened.
So now I’m thinking: maybe it’s time for something more structured.
If I ever want to go to Spain again—hell, if I ever want a night off—we need a system that actually allows me to take a break. Maybe a version of the alternating schedule, something that gives my ex more time without making me feel like I’m abandoning ship. Because right now, it’s clear that when I go away, everything falls apart.
And let’s be real—if I ever want to fall properly in love again (Ryan, I’m looking at you), I need a setup that lets me live a little.
I need room to breathe.
I need time to sip wine in Priorat, even if just for a few days.
And if that means tweaking the way we co-parent, then it’s time for a change.