Today a stranger approached me on the train to accuse me of abusing my children.
Imagine my surprise, when my family was happily and peacefully enjoying our first ever train-ride as a family, to have a stranger approach us to accuse me of abusing my children.
I have never been hugely confident using public transport. While a big selling point of public transport it its predictability and ease, it has always been a source of anxiety for me. What if the bus goes in the opposite direction than I thought it would go? What if I urgently need to get home and can’t? What if…? What if…? What if…?
Add to that the additional stresses since the pandemic started, and I had very well written off public transport altogether. Or so I thought.
My husband and I wanted to take the kids to the city to visit the NGV and ACMI, but roadworks this week have been causing a horror show across Melbourne’s west. So Hubs suggested we finally bite the bullet and take the train. Cue: heart palpitations from me.
A fair compromise
We came to an agreement to make the journey work. We were both going, so we had man-on-man defence and a 1:1 adult-to-kid ratio. And, we would all wear N95 masks while on the train. Considering that our household has been a revolving door of respiratory viruses for the past year, the masks were a no-brainer. Again, or so I thought.
The kids were ecstatic with the plans for the day. They were incredibly excited to experience riding the train to the city. Neither of them thought twice about wearing their masks on the train. They have become well-versed on mask-wearing over the past 3 years and happily masked up during the height of the pandemic.
A peaceful journey…
On the day, we excitedly headed to the train station, bought fresh Myki cards for the kids and I, while Hubs explained how to use them. Once our train pulled up at our platform, we pulled our masks on and skipped onto our carriage, finding the best seats for our journey.
The kids were happy to stare out the window and watch the world speed by, occasionally taking note of how much closer to the city we got. Hubs sat across the aisle from us with our multiple bags. I popped an AirPod in one ear and sorted out some banking, while chatting to the kids about the view out the window.
A man a few rows down occasionally caught my eye. Each time we locked eyes, I nervously wondered if perhaps my children were speaking too loudly and bothering him. Maybe he thought I was a bad mother, for speaking on the phone, while I should be paying more attention to my kids. I felt his eyes on me and tried to calculate what it was that was bothering him enough to continue to look at me. We were in the far corner of the train, the kids were making hardly any noise and I was sitting on hold with the bank. It seemed innocent enough. Apparently not, though.
The mother of all unsolicited comments
As we drew closer to the city, the train doors opened at one of the stops along the way. The man and his wife stood to depart our carriage. I continued to listen to the bank’s hold music, my husband and the kids watched out each of their windows quietly. Sounds peaceful, right?
Wrong.
The man approached me.
I was unsure what direction this was going in. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I greeted him with a smile and said, “Hi”.
The man smiled smugly at me. Uh oh, I thought.
He cleared his throat and then spat out,
“Don’t you think it is child abuse to put masks on children?”
I was stumped. I fought the shock paralysis from the unsolicited interaction. Bank music still playing in my left ear, I stared back at him and responded,
“That’s a very nice opinion. It would also be nice if you’d mind your own business.”
The man’s smug smirk did not waver, and he turned to bee-line for the opening doors. In those seconds, my husband asked what the man said to him, to which I informed him that I was apparently a child-absuser for putting masks on our children on public transport. My husband yelled out a mild expletive at the man as he departed out carriage.
No doubt the man spent the rest of his day feeling like he was in fact a hero that did the community a service by harassing a family on the train, rather than a menace that showed pure ignorance to the fact that he may not be the beacon of all knowledge he believes himself to be.
A series of annoyances
A few things about this encounter really bothered me.
First of all, I am very aware that the man chose to approach me. Let me repeat that. He approached me. Not my 6-foot tall husband. Me. It was very clear that the 4 of us were a family unit, despite my husband sitting across the aisle from us. Regardless about any qualms about the injustices my children apparently face in our family, the man clearly believed these injustices must be solely caused by their terrible mother.
Next, this man had literally zero insight into any of the circumstances around our family and our trip. He didn’t know the amount of sick days we have had in the past year. Nor did he know how easily my childrens’ asthma is triggered by viruses – or maybe he just didn’t care. For all this man knew, we could have all had Covid and been wearing the masks for his own protection and not our own – would that have been more acceptable to his narrow worldview? The man didn’t know how many positive cases we have encountered recently – neither did we. Most of all, the man showed no awareness over the simple fact that it was not his jurisdiction to police our family’s choice to wear a mask at all.
I can’t help but wonder what a privileged life this man have have led to come to the conclusion that wearing a mask is child abuse. I also can’t help but wonder how incredibly insulting that statement must be to anybody that is a victim of actual child abuse.
Why did this man feel the need to approach my family to insult the way we are protecting our children and ourselves? When did this behaviour become acceptable? Why did this man insert himself into our narrative and force his way into the story of our fun family adventure to the city?
I can wonder about as many things as I like, but I guess the one question I am left scratching my head over is this: why is my 4-year-old less bothered by wearing a mask for his own safety, than this adult man?
