As a stay-at-home dad (SAHD), there are quite a few things that are a bit different for me, compared with a stay-at-home mum (SAHM).
Some things are are simply waiting to catch up from 1970s, such as changing tables in the mens toilets. Often, I will have to use the disabled toilets to change a baby, which then inconveniences the disabled community, or in some cases, I have had to change a baby on the grass in a playground, or even on the floor in a restaurant when given no other option by management.
One such venue, upon being asked why there was no change facilities that I could use, replied with a smile “just hand the child to its mum, and you are off the hook!” I doubt that it would be acceptable to change a nappy during a boardroom meeting, but thanks.
Just doing dad duties.
One of the other hurdles, and this is a big one, is public perception. I have lost count of how many times I have been asked “Are you babysitting today?” or having a stranger talk to my infant and say “Is silly daddy babysitting today?”.
Heaven forbid that my child is crying in public, as then I am met with “Silly daddy needs to take baby back to mum for a feed!” or “Your child is hungry, don’t you know that cry?” – even though it had been 10 minutes since her last feed and we were waiting in line for medicine, as she was sick – the reason she was crying!
But even with the public perception that apparently ‘dads are incompetent’ or that we simply ‘babysit’, even though for anyone else it would be referred to as ‘parenting’, I have noticed something else:
The level of standards is far, far lower for dads.
The other day, whilst doing the groceries with my child, I had a lady approach me and say “Wow, you are doing the shopping? I wish MY husband would do the shopping! What an amazing dad you are!” Now, I am sure it was meant as a compliment, but it felt condescending. I told my wife later on, and she replied “I have literally never been congratulated for doing the shopping”. This was not my first time.
Insane and unfair.
I have actually been congratulated for several difficult, complicated and super-human feats, such as:
- Doing the Groceries
- Doing the Laundry
- Changing a Nappy
- Doing the Dishes
- Doing the Laundry
- Playing on the playground with my child
- Packing a Lunch
- Purchasing new clothes for my daughter
- Singing
- Dancing
- Walking
- Crossing the Road
- Carrying my child as she sleeps
All seem to be rather normal things, at least, if they were done by a mum. In fact, for most SAHMs, this would be a standard day at home. For a SAHD however, it’s like the Academy Awards.
Come on, dads!
I understand that positive reinforcement can deliver change, and that perhaps a pat on the back occasionally can help see repeat behaviour, but imagine if the tables were turned. Imagine a SAHM was doing the groceries with a child in-tow. A strange man came over and said “Well done to you for doing groceries! What a superstar you are!” I am sure you see my point.
So why is the bar set so low for dads? Is it because society sees us all as Homer Simpson-type persons? Or that so many dads do so little? (and this is by no means an attack on those hard-working folk out there!)
Do we congratulate women for mowing the lawn? Or for being in Bunnings? So why should men need to be congratulated for doing the groceries? Do single men sit at home and starve these days?
Perhaps it is that society is still rather headstrong in their stereotyped roles for parents. Mums should stay home. Dads should be the breadwinner. In an ideal world I think both would happily stay home.
Events worthy of congratulations and celebration
If you do feel the need to congratulate a SAHD for doing something, make sure it’s something monumental. Something that you would be proud to be congratulated for yourself. Like diffusing a public meltdown with calm and rational conversation, wiping a child’s runny nose on the first attempt whilst they are passing by on the swing, or loading the shopping into the car whilst wrangling three screaming kids and a sleeping baby.
I will be sure to do the same if I see you out and about without your cape, too!
