Confidence. Big word. We all want our kids to have it, but what does that actually mean? Does it mean they strut into a room like they own the place? Does it mean they never second-guess themselves, never hesitate, never feel small? No. That’s not confidence. That’s a superhero movie.
Real confidence is messier. It’s falling off your bike 17 times and still getting back on. It’s saying, “I’m scared, but I’m going to try anyway.” It’s knowing you don’t have to be the best at something to still be good enough.
I’ve got three kids—Jack (7), Lily (5), and Max (2)—and if parenting has taught me anything, it’s that confidence isn’t something you just “teach.” It’s something they learn over time, through scraped knees, lopsided sandwiches, and block towers that just won’t stay up.
Here’s what I’ve figured out (so far).
1. Effort Over Outcome (Even When They Suck At It)
Jack wanted to ride a bike. He was determined. No training wheels. Full-send. Except, spoiler alert: he was terrible at it.
After the 15th fall, he chucked his helmet across the yard like some dramatic sports movie hero. “I CAN’T DO IT.”
I could’ve given him the classic, “Yes, you can!” speech. But I didn’t. Instead, I said:
“You’ve been riding a bike for two days. You thought you’d be an expert in two days?”
He sniffled. Shook his head.
“Right. So maybe instead of saying ‘I can’t,’ you say, ‘I’m still learning.’ You’re better than you were yesterday, yeah?”
He nodded.
Next day? He got it. Still fell a few times, but this time he laughed. That’s the win.
2. Let Them Try (Even If It’s A Disaster)
Lily wanted to make her own sandwich. Peanut butter. Jelly. How hard could it be?
Well.
She spread the peanut butter with both hands, jelly ended up on her elbow, and the bread? It somehow folded in half. A Picasso of a sandwich.
She grinned. “I DID IT.”
Did I tell her it was messy? No. Did I fix it? No. Did I grab my own, neatly made sandwich while maintaining eye contact? Maybe.
But she felt capable. And now? She insists on making her own breakfast. It’s slow. It’s messy. But she believes she can do it—and that matters more than efficiency.
3. Let Them Fail (Without Rushing To Fix It)
Max is at that stage where he wants to do everything himself. Everything. Putting on shoes. Carrying full glasses of water across the room. Building a tower taller than him.
One day, he stacked his blocks so high—wobbly, delicate, doomed. It fell. He screamed. Full-blown toddler rage.
I didn’t rebuild it. Didn’t fix it. Just sat next to him.
“Why do you think it fell?”
Cue toddler thinking face. You know the one—head tilt, squint, full body pondering.
Then, lightbulb. He started over, this time bigger blocks on the bottom, smaller ones on top.
Tower stood. He lost his mind.
The lesson? He didn’t need me to fix it. He needed me to believe he could figure it out.
4. Teach Them To Talk To Themselves The Right Way
Kids repeat what they hear. And guess what? That includes how they talk to themselves.
Jack: “I’ll never be good at this.”
Me: “You’re not good at it YET. That’s different.”
Lily: “I can’t draw like her.”
Me: “Maybe not now. But you can learn. What’s one thing you can practice today?”
Max? Well. Max mostly just yells “I DO IT” and barrels ahead, which honestly? Respect.
5. Let Them Be Who They Are
Jack’s the social butterfly. Talks to everyone, makes friends in five seconds.
Lily? She’d rather observe. Watch. Think. Do her own thing.
Max? Chaos. Human embodiment of a hurricane in Crocs.
Confidence isn’t about making a quiet kid loud or a cautious kid reckless. It’s about making sure they feel comfortable in their own skin.
Jack doesn’t have to tone it down.
Lily doesn’t have to “be more outgoing.”
Max… well, I would like him to tone it down, but let’s be real—that’s not happening.
Raising Kids Who Believe In Themselves
Confidence isn’t built in a day. It’s built in the tiny moments—the bike crashes, the messy sandwiches, the block towers. It’s built when they realize they don’t need to be perfect to be capable.
And, let’s be honest—half the time, I don’t know if I’m doing it right. But maybe that’s the point. Maybe confidence isn’t about having all the answers. Maybe it’s about knowing you’ll figure it out.
So… what’s one thing you do to build confidence in your kids? Because honestly, I’m still learning too.